After 55 years of marriage and nearly 40 years of giving pre-maritial counseling and marriage counseling, Pauline and I have learned a few basic practical tips which I now pass on to you.
10 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED
For those considering the POSSIBILITY of getting Engaged to Be Married:
1. DO NOT ANNOUNCE AN ENGAGEMENT‼️
2. BUY 2 COPIES OF THE PRE-MARITAL WORKBOOK “BEFORE YOU SAY I DO”. Write out your answers individually and meet specifically as a couple to contrast, compare, and discuss your answers. Mark the areas you disagree on for specific discussion later in your pre-marital counseling.
3. READ THIS BOOK
4. ASK YOURSELVES THESE 2 QUESTIONS
(I) Do you love God more than you love your intended life partner? If not you will expect the other person to make you happy and meet your needs. This is called “co-dependence” which the Bible calls “idolatry”. This will result in disappointment, anger, resentment, and eventually hatred, of the other person‼️ Read short book entitled “Please Don’t Say You NEED Me” by Jan Silvious. ( In my Kindle Library)
True love is not “ needing” anyone but Jesus, and “giving and serving” our life partner. Often we see this sort of unconditional love in the way a mentally and emotionally healthy mother loves and serves her children without seeking anything in return‼️This “agape” Love is the way God loves us. Marital love should reflect the love within the three persons in the Godhead. God the son glorifies the Father, the Holy Spirit glorifies the Son, and the Father glorifies both the Son and the Holy Spirit.
(ii) Does your relationship bring you closer to God or further away from Him? When you are with the other person do you find yourselves discussing the wonderful beauty of nature, the meaning and purpose of life, why are we in this universe, the intense suffering and death of Jesus on the cross, what does this all mean? What was He trying to achieve? Why did He create us knowing that there would be both beauty and ugliness and suffering in the world? What is your greatest passion? Why? What is your calling in the midst of this paradox of good and evil, in this fallen, divided, arrogant, prideful, self-centered world? How can we know if God REALLY loves us?
5. WATCH THESE VIDEOS AND READ THIS ARTICLE:
These videos BY ANDY STANLEY are good for engaged or dating couples as well as those who have been married for many years.
SELECT A MESSAGE:
WATH OVERVIEW (teaser)
1. Nothing
2. It’s Mutual
3. Sometimes You Have To Throw Things
4. It’s a Choice
Go to the Link below to view the entire series:
‘NOW READ THIS ARTICLE:
6. READ THESE 4 BOOKS in whatever order you like. (Most of the books I recommend are in my Amazon Kindle Library with Audible narration):
7. ASK THE HOLY SPIRIT TO REVEAL TO YOU how much psychological damage/baggage am I bringing to the relationship? IT IS IMPORTANT TO GO THROUGH A SPIRITUAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL CLEANSING OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SINCE BIRTH. (1 JOHN 1:9). Have you exercised God-given forgiveness of every person who has hurt or damaged you since early childhood? Make a list of such people. Also a list of those emails you have hurt. If you do not take these hurts to the cross and either forgive or apologize to those involved, all these hurts or anger will surface and be projected unto your spouse after marriage in the most angry and bitter and critical ways. A great help in doing this is by reading the Neal Andersen books “The Bondage Breaker” and “Victory over the Darkness” and in particular you should privately, confidentiality, and individually go through “Appendix A” in these books with your counselor. The purpose is to start over with a clean slate, and deeply root your identity in Christ alone.
8. ARRANGE PRE-MARTIAL COUNSELING. Start with your Pastor or with me. Most pastors like me, are trained in pre-marital counseling.IN ADDITION TO PASTORAL COUNSELING SEE A HIGHLY RECOMMENDED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR WHO CAN GIVE YOU SOPHISTICATED PERSONALITY TESTING AS WELL AS ADDITIONAL PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING‼️ The cost of professional counseling is a bargain compared with Divorce‼️
9. AGREE NOT TO HAVE SEX UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING‼️ This may be the most important advice of all‼️ It has been scientifically proven that sex has an effect on the brain designed by God ONLY for married people‼️It creates a chemical bonding between the parties which will make rational and objective choices before marriage very difficult, and it will PREVENT the pre-martial counseling from being effective‼️Also DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER until after the wedding. Studies prove that couples that live together prior to marriage have a much higher divorce rate and those who have not done so. Even if you are living together at the moment, you should end this arrangement immediately.‼️
10. ATTEND “A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER” BY FAMILY LIFE MINISTRIES. Be sure not to register for the track for married couples but register for the special track designed for couples contemplating marriage. THESE CONFERENCES ARE NATIONWIDE SO YOU CAN CHOSE ONE NEAR YOU, OR FLY TO ANOTER CITY IF MORE CONVENIENT.
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION
Good